Monday, February 13, 2012

MacGyver Mondays: "The Heist" (Season 1, Episode 5)

Title: The Heist
Airdate: 11/3/85
My age at Airdate: 2 years, 3 months, 19 days
Episode Type: (I usually wait until I've watched the episode before I fill this part out, but I'm gonna go with...) Heist

MacGyver?!? Helping with a Heist?!?! Can it be?!?! Let's find out....

Wha-wha-what?! No opening gambit? Oh snap, y'all. Shit just got serious. This episode is probably going to be like The Ten Commandments, Goodfellas, and the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy PUT TOGETHER!!!

So we start on a bomber landing in a scenic location. A couple of soldiers are helping a disheveled nerd off a plane. An Australian villain is telling him that no one saw him get on the plane. He's an accountant that has giving Australian Villain a whole heap of diamonds. Like A LOT of diamonds. And so, naturally, AV pulls a gun and shoot him. The scene ends on a shot of Disheveled Nerd's glasses with bullet hole through one of the lenses. Intense.

Now we're in "Washington D.C.". MacGyver is talking to a Southern Senator who's pissed about the money that's been stolen because he had super charitable plans for it. His daughter (no doubt his gorgeous, feisty daughter) is in the Virgin Islands trying to get it back from AV. So MacGyver's off to paradise!

Gotta love these scenic establishing shots. Now we're in "U.S. Virgin Islands"

Haha Mac's already flirting with Feisty Daughter. Awesome

MacGyver: Is your name MacGyver? It's amazing. So's mine.
--Charm Personified

FD tells Mac about just how villainous AV is. Hint: He's VERY villainous. He apparently owns a hotel and casino in the U.S. Virgin Islands. I bet they steal money from him.

So there he is, showing a crowd how awesome he is with like a staff or something. Everyone claps as he kicks like 3 guys' asses. So that's....nice.

AV's beautiful redheaded assistant tells him that they have a buyer for the diamonds. He tells her that he wants to be off the island in 48 hours.

MacGyver: He looks like a happy guy.
FD: Why not? We can't touch him.
MacGyver: Maybe we can... What if I were to just go in and... take the diamonds?

See how they do that? In two quick exchanges, they set up a time limit and a plan for MacGyver to execute. That's called deft scriptwriting.

FD is wearing some sort of middle-class Flashdance-meets-Working-Girl off the shoulder sweatshirt/mom pants khakis combination. It's hideous.

So, as is the case with ALL casino heist plots, MacGyver is going to go in as a high roller, win lots of money at the craps table and get a good look at the vault when he is invited to store his winnings there.

FD: How can you be so sure you'll win?
MacGyver: I'll cheat.
--This episode is kicking SO MUCH ASS!

Now we're going to do a James Bond homage as Mac puts on his tuxedo. UGH. So cheesy. Let's just say that RDA just did a British accent. HAHA but then faded to commercial trying to fix his cowlick so that he looks smoother. Just when I think this show is a big cheese festival, it redeems itself like that.

So MacGyver is in the casino telling a story about catching a fish while he hooks a thread and a paper clip to some cute girls zipper on her dress. He stands on the thread, and when she walks away, her WHOLE DRESS COMES OFF! Mac uses the opportunity to swipe the dice and replace them with his loaded ones.

Let's pause here to talk about all the naughty things MacGyver has done thus far: Conspired to steal 200 lbs of diamonds, used an awful British accent, ripped a girl's dress off, planned to cheat at gambling. So. Awesome.

And we're back.

Wait. I think he just swiped the dice. He buffs the corners off the dice so that they always roll 7's with a shoe buffer in the bathroom. AV is watching him, suspiciously.

A waitress just brought MacGyver a "Virgin Mary". And that's awesome.

AV just sent Redhead Assistant to go find out about him. He introduced himself as James Bond in his British accent and she just smiled at him.

So, MacGyver's won all this money cheating the craps table and he reaches the limit of the table. AV tells the....what do you call the guy that runs a craps table? The referee? The Head Crapsman? Anyway, AV tells the Head Crapsman to take the bet and MacGyver rolls another 7! AV asks if he wants to go for the whole $135,000 and MacGyver declines, palms the rigged dice, tosses a second, non-rigged pair onto the table, and pops the rigged dice into his Virgin Mary. Tres smooth.

Also, this episode is going to be chock full of cliches isn't it?

AV takes MacGyver back to the vault to put his chips away and the diamonds are clearly not there. They go back out onto the floor and AV shows MacGyver that he found the dice in the drink. Come to think of it, it wasn't very smart of MacGyver to leave the dice there, was it? Unless he WANTED to get caught......

AV looks kind of like a young Jack Palance. I wonder if he's related.

FD creates a diversion and Mac is on the run! He ties an electrical cord around the handles of a door to prevent some of the bad guys from catching him, but runs almost immediately into two more bad guys. They shoot at him, miss (Stormtrooper Aim), and he ducks be hind a bar cart. Or something. It's a cart with liquor on top and gas cylinders on bottom. That's a bar cart, right?

He uses one cylinder to knock the valves off the other three and send the bar cart flying into the goons. Then he stands there, grinning! RUN AWAY! They have guns! If they get close enough, they can hit you with the handles of the guns! Or, like wing you if they're very lucky!

He runs outside, where FD is waiting with a Vespa and they get away clean!

FD wakes MacGyver in the morning with a cup of coffee. He's sleeping on the couch, but he's at LEAST shirtless. Who knows how MacGyver sleeps?

FD is talking about how awesome the casino gig was and she touches his hand and the clarinets come in and they have a moment. But she's not ready to go there yet, so she wrenches the coffee cup from his hands and goes off to get him more coffee, even though we haven't seen him drink ANY of it, yet.

They're going over the layout of AV's penthouse. He has a spy camera and it's going to be super tough to get out of there with 200 lbs of diamonds, but Mac has a plan. Step 1 is to cause a riot in the casino. Just like in Ocean's Thirteen. Real original Ocean's Thirteen. Ripping off a poor, helpless MacGyver episode like that.

His plan is for FD to cause the riot.

Now he's taking the magnet out of a phone and putting it in one of FD's heels. It's for the roulette wheel, somehow.

He DESTROYS one of her rings by popping out the stone and giving her the fitting to mark cards with and then accuse the casino of cheating. They're going to do Blackjack, Roulette, and Slots. MacGyver tells her that it HAS to come together at 2:10, sharp.

They're now in front of the casino. MacGyver is going to get the diamonds and she's going to cause the diversion. He tells her AGAIN about the 2:10 AM, sharp thing. I guess this is one of those "reiterate it after the commercial break for those of you just joining us" things.

She leaves and he sets to work taking off a big piece of a storm drain. He uses his Anonymous Lockpicking Tool to get into an electrical room. So now he's setting up a clock attached to wires that are attached to a circuit board. OH it has to be 2:10, because that's when the two hands touch and cause an electrical circuit.

So, he's using a mirror from FD's compact to create a blind for the camera guarding AV's room. It's on swivel. He's trying to get the goons to come check out what he's put on the camera. And they're on their way.

He's picking the lock into the room and pulling the blind off the camera just as the goon comes to check out the problem.

Meanwhile, AV is trying to intimidate FD at the roulette table. He's shown that he recognizes her from the previous night. I'm nervous for her.

Mac is in AV's room and is using the ashes from AV's cigar to smoke out the light sensors in the frame of the door into the main area. Isn't it interesting that a mere 4 episodes have passed since the pilot and MacGyver wouldn't think of smoking the cigar and blowing the smoke into the sensors. But I guess that time, he didn't have a ready supply of ashes....

Sitting on a table in the foyer on Mac's side of the lasers is one of those fiber optic light things (kind of like this thing.) MacGyver unplugs the tube from it and uses it to divert the light sensors (they're not lasers, I guess.) so that he can get in. That was actually kind of cool.

There's a bird in the room and I'm sure it's going to be trouble.

MacGyver finds the door to AV's vault and is frustrated because there's no combination or lock or anything on it. But he's going to use the bird to help him somehow.

One of the goons comes and tells AV (who is still doing his weird "am I hitting on you or threatening you?" thing with FD) that there's been an intruder alarm in his penthouse. He runs up with the two Main Goons. He unlocks the door, runs in...and sees his bird out. So THAT'S what set off the alarm. He figures he better check the vault while he's there. The vault is controlled by four distinct tones that must be played in the right order and at the correct pitch.

Satisfied, AV leaves. And MacGyver comes out of the closet. Stop it. He was hiding in the closet. So he came out of it.

HAHAHA he's going to create the four tones using wine and four glasses. This is TOTALLY the best way to do this. Really efficient.

Meanwhile, FD uses the magnet to make this really hotheaded gambler think that the wheel is rigged. See, he was ABOUT to win, but then the ball hopped off black and onto red. So, he storms off, pissed. And she saunters away to make more mischief elsewhere!

We rejoin MacGyver as he's just gotten the 3rd of the four tones. It seems to me that AV should have some sort of alarm for if the tones aren't done fast enough. It would save him from the MacGyvers of the world, you know?

But he doesn't have that on this vault and MacGyver is in. But how is he going to carry 200 POUNDS of diamonds? He's not. Remember the drain pipe? Didn't you find it odd that he didn't use that big bit of drain pipe he took off?

He breaks another one of AV's lamps. This one is composed of plastic, almost funnel-shaped pieces. I wonder what he'll use THAT for. Where would MacGyver be without the loud decorating styles of the Rich and Corrupt?

It's getting closer and closer to 2:10 (sharp) and FD is making mischief at the Blackjack table. She gets another hotheaded gambler ranting about the place being a ripoff and again saunters away. Perhaps to the slot machines?

The riot is beginning and AV is back to hit on FD again. But she goes over to the BIG slot machine, uses the magnet AND her mirror-less compact to set the slot machine off just as the two hands of the clock touch at 2:10 (sharp). With the riot successfully ignited, she runs off to meet MacGyver who has spent the last bit pouring diamonds down the storm drain.

Whoa. They did this weird thing where she ran out of the casino, they cut to commercial and then when they came back, she ran out again. This is when TV-on-DVD gets weird. She arrives just in time to pull a piece of storm drain out of MacGyver's trunk and connect it to the storm drain where the diamonds start pouring out. Phew! That was close.

She shuts the diamond-filled trunk and books it in her Volvo, nearly running down AV and his army of goons. Mac has made his way down to the car and hops in and escapes. A car blocked FD's way and AV has captured her! This is bad news.

They call MacGyver and now we're going to do the classic "I have your girl so give me back my damn diamonds" phone call.

(QUICK ASIDE: So, I was looking to see if that was, in fact Jack Palance's son playing AV. It is not. It's a dude named Vernon Wells. He was in a movie called "Silent Night, Zombie Night". Tell me someone has seen it. Anyone?)

They're going to meet at a park to do the exchange. Redheaded (only in the light of day, she appears to be a brunette) Assistant hops into MacGyver's diamond-filled car and pulls a gun on him. She directs him to park in front of a plane and then tells him that FD is on the plane. So now everyone's on the plane and AV is back in his camo that he shot the Disheveled Nerd in. Remember that?

FD uses that card-marking ring to slap AV as he's trying to tell them to go up front and the push him through the door and seal him into the plane. So now it's just them, the diamond-filled car, and an open cargo hatch of a plane that's about to take off....

AV instructs the pilot to take the plane up to 30,000 feet (which he would have pronounced "9 kilometers" if he had his druthers, no doubt) so that the lack of oxygen will kill them. But MacGyver has an idea.

They've hooked up some sort of parachute to the car. MacGyver is having FD hide in the passenger footwell while he puts on the only available helmet.

I just thought of something. Wouldn't the pilot be able to close and lock the cargo hatch doors from the cockpit? Why don't they just do that, and then go back and shoot them? Stupid villains.

So there's MacGyver driving the diamond-filled car out the back of the plane and the parachute opens perfectly and they're floating in front of a lovely green-screen.

And NOW FD decides it's time to make out with MacGyver (who we'll all remember is a notorious kiss slut). We go to credits and never find out whether AV turned the plane around and ran them down with his PLANE. But let's assume he didn't. THE END.

What a ride. That was like Ocean's Thirteen, Cars, and Crocodile Dundee all in one epic tale. Loved it.

See you next week!


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